Well, I am very sorry to say, my loves, that I must end this blog now. She was never worthy of blogging about to begin with. I am so sorry to say we all wasted our time on her. Not only is she not worthy of my time, effort, energy, love & heart, she is most definitely NOT worthy of being inside my head. I will be starting a new blog about my new life, & hope you all will still follow, excluding that bitch of course. If you would like to follow my new blog, please contact me via this blog, text, or email (kathey98@aol.com) & I will personally send you the new link. Trust me, my new life is better than this old ass shit. Sorry for any inconvenience folks. Hope to see ya on the flip side. 😉 Love n stuff, Cathey. Thank God this bullshit’s over!
Some History. Or is it?
I’m going to TRY to fill you in as much as possible, the short version.
I figure I will begin with John. My 1st serious boyfriend. I will not go into much detail until we get to the present, but just a brief history. So, John, 1st boyfriend. Lost my virginity to him, after a YEAR of “dating”. I was 15, he 17. Our relationship began when I was around 13/14. He was my best friend. I have a habit of being BEST friends when I’m in a relationship. This is probably where that idea began. It’s also the reason that break-ups are so absolutely devastating for me. We were together about 4-5 years before we broke up for good. He was also the 1st person to ask me to marry him and gave me my 1st engagement ring. Yes, I said 1st. Since then I’ve been proposed to or engaged 3 or 4 times & married & divorced once. (Ugh. I can already see that this blog is going to bring more questions than answers!) Back to John. Once we broke up for good, we remained friends. REAL friends. And still, 19 years later, I consider him one of my best friends in the world. We don’t see each other too much anymore, but that is because his wife absolutely hates me. See she started dating him, and was his 1st girlfriend after me. Since then, even without having met me, she was & still is jealous of how John & I ‘get’ each other and will probably remain close, lifelong friends.
Next, was Scott. This was the most important and valuable relationship of my life. Most people are lucky to have EVER found this. Not only did I find it, I have the MOST important souvenir. Our son. Scott was/is my soul mate. Never have I found anyone who loves and respects me as much as he did. Or anyone as worthy as him of MY love and respect. We were quite young, but nonetheless, he was my everything. He died at the age of 22. Part of me did too. I have no doubt that if he were still here, our relationship, whatever it morphed into, would be EPIC.
I had shorter relationships during the in-between times, but why go thru that “list”? All of them ended. None too bad. And I am still friends with EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. I wouldn’t have it any other way & hope that in some way they cherish me similarly.
Cut to Joe. Hands down the worst relationship ever. I grew up across the street from him & his family & at some point during those years developed a huge crush on him. At one point, we dated during a “break” between me & Scott, but it wasn’t anything too serious. When Scott died, many things happened, but one in-particular was a relationship between Joe & I. I was clinging to anything I could because I didn’t want another person to “leave” me. Tho, I didn’t realize this until many years later. We got engaged, pregnant & married right away. See? Clinging. We were divorced by 7 years, after being separated more than we were together. We are NOT friends. In fact, we can barely keep it civil. Still. After about 6/7 years. Joe is very bitter and CONSTANTLY trying to punish me. For leaving him. I agree that I didn’t leave in the proper way, but is any of this really gonna change that? The truth is, we shoulda never been married. That is punishment enough. For BOTH of us AND our daughter.
So, while Joe & I were married, I met Bill & began an emotional affair with him. Once I saw how happy I COULD & SHOULD be, I left Joe immediately. Not to BE with Bill, but because that meant that there was more out there for me, I felt. What ended up happening was me being with Bill. For about 4-5 years. When I say *I* was with Bill, that’s true, but Bill was not with *ME*. As much as this bothers me to admit, I was just a jump-off for him. The “side piece”. We both claimed each other as soul-mates, & even tho I thought that, I’ve since realized what it really was for him. It took a long time. Not only for me to be able to admit it to myself & stop believing what I wanted to believe & what he said, but to be able to be just his FRIEND. It helps that in the time we’ve been apart, he’s changed A LOT. I suppose I have too. Just not as MUCH as him. Tho, his change is probably for the better, in HIS life. That brings us to the last almost 5 years & today…
The Last 5 Years. My Confessional. (cont’d part 3)
Things got a little easier as time went on. As Shevon healed. As she started little by little being able to get around and do things for herself. As she started to feel better about herself. It didn’t take too long for us to get makeshift systems in place for her. Like showering, we put our HUGE lobster pot in the tub with towels for her to sit on to shower & keep her leg out. She started being able to make it to the bathroom herself & every time she left she would “ROOOAARRRR” at our “son” Puffin and literally scare the shit out of him. Our cockatiel that she bought for me when we first got our apartment. She was SO friggin adorable & proud of herself! She just thought she was hysterical! & she kinda was! :-p Then she would make trips to the living room for a change of scenery, to watch tv, or keep me company while I cooked. She began going out for doctors appointments. She was crutching pretty good, even in the snow & ice & without scaring the shit outta me. I no longer had to go everywhere by myself. We started going out together again. We had our outings completely planned out. Similar to taking my clients out when I worked at group homes, only less “rules”. I would pull up to the front of wherever we were going, went in, got her a wheelchair, got her into the wheelchair, left her in front, parked the car, & went & pushed her in. I absolutely LOVED shopping with her in a wheelchair! 😀 I had both of our checks, would park her facing away from me, grab everything I wanted or wanted for her & show her AFTER it was purchased! It was too easy! 😉 She didn’t mind either. She’d tell everyone about me doing that & she’d laugh her ass off. I missed a lot of events because I couldn’t be away for too long. I’d start getting calls & texts saying that she had to go to the bathroom. Part of it was me being protective & scared. I didn’t want her trying to get around the house while no one was there or god forbid something happening when she was home alone. & of course nobody ever offered to help, even when I asked. I woulda just loved it if someone would come & sit with her so I could get my hair did. No such luck. But we got thru it! Without anyone else. JUST US. It was a LONG 6 months before she was anywhere NEAR healed. But we were closer than ever. We’d seen each other at our worst & not only survived it, but were better together than ANYONE I’d known. EVER.
The actual surgical scar.
Things I used to do to her when she couldn’t get away!
I made her “The Weatherman”!!!!!!!
Shevon out drinking on her crutches. Fun! Fun! (Isn’t she cute?!)
Me out with Shevon on her crutches!
AAAWWWWWWW!!!! Hehehe!
During this time, we kinda got our priorities screwed up. Our landlord was a douche that was letting the house crumble around us. The kitchen floor was LITERALLY falling in. But, instead of going about it the right way, we just stopped paying the rent. I was the one who took care of the bills, rent, money altogether. It got to be too much for me, taking care of Shevon & all of these other responsibilities. I didn’t have the energy to handle things with the douche-lord. We got “evicted”. We packed up & moved. Months before, our friend Jen had asked us to move in & so we did. It was ok. It was REALLY hot on the 2nd floor, above a bar/restaurant. It smelled of ALL the animals in it & their waste. But “our” room was ok. & it wasn’t even so bad for a while living with Jen & her boyfriend, Rick. The animals were a different story. It was kinda gross. She had two dogs, a German Shepard & a Chiuaua, two cats, one of which was pregnant; none of these animals were fixed. Yuck. & all in a 3 bedroom apartment. Too much. Shevon & I stayed really close during this time. We really only had each other. & we spent all of our time in our room, on the computer, watching tv, & watching series on Netflix. It was really cool. I felt so close to her. We had all “OUR” things that we did together. She loved to do all the same things as me. It was AMAZING. I had found my perfect match, my “other half”. And it was all real & true. People envied our relationship & how supremely close we were. Even the people that didn’t know we were an actual couple. Jen & Rick sure as hell did. They would each compare themselves to us & complain about the other. That was the difference about us, we didn’t talk to OTHER people about US. We talked to EACH OTHER. We didn’t compare ourselves to other couples, because we didn’t feel their relationships were as enlightened as ours. There wasn’t much interference. We had everything we needed between the 2 of US. Everything else was extra. A bonus. There’s no way I can EVER explain how much I loved & needed her. She was my EVERYTHING. And I mean that with EVERY part of me. I would die defending her & she made me feel safe and loved. It’s kinda strange, she’s the ONLY person I’ve ever been able to live with in harmony. She accepted me for me & I took care of us. She even accepted (& catered) to the fact that simple things made me at ease, like having the volume on an even number at ALL times & she even got used to sleeping with the tv on in these years. She was absolutely, without a doubt, my best friend EVER. And she meant for LIFE. She always talked about us getting married & having a baby. Even tho, I told her I would never get married again, I couldn’t & didn’t want to imagine my life without her. Ever.
Me & the kitten I claimed for myself 🙂 Fuzzhead Ballsack!
The summer ended. We’d had a blast. We’d go swimming, drinking, singing, everything & a lot of it with Jen. We’d even go drinking & singing then drive to Naugatuck to go swimming in Jen’s friend Teen’s pool. Skinny dipping! Hahaha! That was hysterical! Somehow I slipped & fell flat on my back with my crotch in the air smiling at the world & when Jen tried to help me up, she slipped & fell too! Good times.
And so began winter. It was a nasty one too. I won’t get into all the specifics, but there was an argument about a heater & salt in the sugar & some other ridiculous bullshit. There was a BB gun, a call to the police & Shevon punching herself in the face. Rick, Jen & Shevon got arrested. Thank God she’d already called her father. Her mother went to bail her out while her dad went & rented a UHAUL truck. Her mom & I went to look at the apartment we had planned to look at that day anyway, & rented it on the spot. Her mother co-signed the lease in case we weren’t able to afford it. Shevon was the only one collecting anymore. We moved our stuff in & began living there immediately. We were lucky to be able to. It wasn’t much of a place, just a small studio. But it was just the 3 of us. Shevon, Puffin & me. I swear two people never had so much fun as we did, poor & in the middle of the ghetto.
Puffin McTuffin…
We got hit with a huge snowstorm just about DAILY, this year. We played in the snow, walked in the snow, cursed at the snow & hated the snow! But it was still the best winter ever! We didn’t NEED to go out. We stayed in the house with our gas “fire” and had fun together. We didn’t mind being snowed in. Day after day. Most people would go stir crazy, but it was so easy with her. We would find songs that we wanted to sing & put on performances for each other. I loved critiquing her “Adele” haha! 🙂 She found a small, freezing kitty outside our door. I don’t like cats. But when she put it outside I couldn’t stand the thought of that little thing freezing out there. So we had a kitty, named Puppy. Cuz I really wanted a puppy soooo…
Puppy taking her 1st shit! lmao
Our Puppy 😉
This whole winter we couldn’t afford to pay our old cable bill, but couldn’t be stuck in the house with nothing to do but look at each other! We found a “hatch” that went underground (it was like “Lost” only REALLY A LOT scarier, darker & without all that cool shit! lol) where all the cable & telephones wires were connected. There was some funky ass shit goin on down there! After about a million trips down there, we finally followed our wire with Shevon’s cane & hooked up our cable. We had to keep re-doing it, but at 3am, we’d be out there, flashlight, cane & select tools. Until one day, when the cable all went digital & we were cut off for good 😦 Doesn’t really matter, we were about to move, AGAIN.
Finally, it started getting warm & thru everything, we were still together & I didn’t want a life without her. She WAS my LIFE. But the next hurdle was just around the corner. Her mother reneged on her agreement to cover the rent if we couldn’t. & we couldn’t. Shevon’s unemployment had run out too & we had absolutely NO income. We’d be homeless soon. My grandparents moved our stuff out & we packed the car. For that night we’d stay in a hotel, then we didn’t know what.
So, what was next for us? We had no idea. It was May, so warm enough, but still pretty damn cold at night. (Oh. I forgot a bunch of shit in the last year, the psycho truck driver following us around trying to kill us, Shavi; or however ya spell his name; walking around downtown, me breakin my ass, & alota other shit, but it’s sooo much to type!) While we were at the hotel, we tried to live it up, but it just wasn’t enough time. We went swimming, tried to watch tv & get a good nights sleep. Because the next day, we’d be living in the car. This is also when our relationship started to weaken. When we needed each other most. When we NEEDED to be strong. Our situation sucked. I hated putting her thru that. I hated not being able to help us, to “save” us when we were SOOOO desperate, like I always had before. I think she was waiting for me to too. But I couldn’t. I had no way to help us. I started pushing her away. She didn’t have to live like this. I didn’t wanna be the reason. I wanted her to be happy. Or at least not homeless. I told her to go home to her parents. I didn’t want this for her. Part of me wanted her to be stronger & stay, but I KNEW I needed to do what was best for her. She was gone no more than 15 minutes before I realized I was losing my mind. What was I thinking sending her home? I needed her. They wouldn’t love her like I did. Sure she’d have a place to lay her head, but was that what was important? I didn’t know anything anymore. I lost me somewhere. How could I be so dependent on one person? This wasn’t me at all. I needed her dammit! I begged her to come back. I dunno if it was right, but it was definitely WRONG without her. She agreed to come back the next day. I picked her up in our “home”. The night before was the longest, coldest, darkest night of my life. Shevon is not good when things get rough, at the time this was a NEW thing. But you’ll see as the story goes on, that she freaks the fuck out & leaves me ALONE when things get tough. This is just the 1st example… (to be cont’d)
The Last 5 Years. My Confessional. (cont’d part 2)
The Last 5 Years. My Confessional. (cont’d)
She did try to play me out. With her so-called “girlfriend”. Her & this girl would break up & get back “together” daily. Tho, that chick was never really with Shevon. She was just one of those hoes that needed attention. & Shevon gave it. With the exception of me & very few others, these are the girls Shevon seems to be attracted to. How could I ever understand these two? Shevon’s 10 years younger than me & that little slut’s even younger than that! Even still, I tried. Shevon tried to play me against this little skank, got us arguin. Over what? I wasn’t even hooking up with Shevon! But the disrespect of me & our friendship, got me beyond heated. Shevon couldn’t HAVE that girl. What was she doin? Fuckin up our friendship & proving her disloyalty, for some little stunt? I didn’t get it. Our friendship continued & we began hookin up just about every night. Then I finally decided to “put the moves on her” haha! I decided that in my drunk state I would sleep with her. The next morning when we woke up, me hungover as all hell, & Shevon rushing to work, poor thing, I was catchin flashbacks, but couldn’t remember the night before. Did we do it? Was it any good? This was new for me. Did I do anything stupid? Did I even KNOW what I was doing? Oh my God. Just then the phone rings. It’s Shevon. She’s at work & needs to get out cuz she feels like shit. Just then, I feel it. What the hell IS that? Something sticky & crusty & gross is all up in my buttcrack!!! I tell Shevon. She says that *I* lost my gum in the bed the night before. Oh what the hell!!! After getting Shevon outta work VERY early, & she says she’s coming back, I get up & see fuzzy gum ALL over the sheets & ME!!!!! (turned out it was HER gum!!!! I didn’t find out til YEARS later!) Shevon comes back, gets into bed & we spend the day on either side of the bed, watching tv & falling in & out of sleep. All the while, I’m on my side of the bed having flashbacks & saying “oh my God” to myself, but out loud. I say it so many times that Shevon finally says to me, “Yes Cathey, we had sex last night.” There it was. Confirmed. Oh. My. God.
After that night, sex wasn’t a problem. We’d start making out in the bar & do whatever afterward. It was all new to me & I felt inferior, but enjoyed it. The sex wasn’t anything spectacular, in fact, I remember telling a friend that had lesbi-onic experience, that I didn’t really even like it. But just kissing Shevon, could make me have an orgasm. Everytime she kissed me or brushed against me, my nipples would get hard. No joke. I can’t explain it. But it was HOT! At the time, I considered her my fuck friend. We have sex, but the thing of main importance to me, was how close we were. I foolishly thought that I could sleep with her, until I decided not to anymore & everything would stay fine. Well that’s when she told me that I don’t fuck with Bill anymore (not that I had slept with him anyway. But she meant it was OVER between him & I) & that I’m HER GIRLFRIEND. I know, sounds bizarre, right? I thought so too. But knowing her like I did, made it pretty cute at the same time. During this time we lived with her parents. Tho I didn’t like it, neither of us really had a choice. I would do sweet little things for her just to see her smile. I wanted to show her what a REAL relationship was. What it meant when somebody else thought of her all the time, & planned their lives together. What it meant to truly be loved & respected. She deserved all that & more. I gave her all of me. Even if it was scary or wasn’t safe. I was completely open & vulnerable for the 1st time ever. She knew everything & loved me anyway. Then came the fight between her & her mother. We were out on our asses after 10pm, with no money & NOWHERE to go. We borrowed some money, got a hotel room for the next few days & then had to figure it out all over again. We ended up moving into the EconoLodge. Between our checks & her father’s help, we were makin it! She got laid off & both of us were collecting unemployment. We spent all day, everyday together. It was fantastic. I loved being with her. She was MORE than just my best friend. I was still going thru a lot health-wise & the stress that we had to deal with didn’t help too much. I ended up getting VERY sick for almost a full year. Shevon ALWAYS took care of me. There was a lot put on her, because I truly couldn’t take care of myself. I will forever be grateful to her for that. I know it wasn’t easy & she HAD to resent it. We decided that we were spending FAR too much money living in a hotel to save anything & that if we didn’t do something soon we’d never get an apartment. We moved from the EconoLodge to Katie’s house, where it was filthy, drug-filled, & cockroach infested, for a small amount of money, for about a month so we could save a lot for our apartment. We stayed there, grossed out, on couches & got our own place IMMEDIATELY. Once we moved, we were soooo happy again! We spent tons of time together & enjoyed every second of it! We barely ever fought, in fact, I can’t remember a time where we fought a lot. We were closer than anyone I’ve ever known. I have never seen a relationship as good as ours. My friends even try to compare their relationships to ours, but they’ll even admit that they can’t come close. At least that’s when she used to love & respect me. We were never the type to break up & make up all the time, we were perfect. Someday, with some experience she’ll see it too. (have to continue this AGAIN! who’da thought that we had SOOO much! to be cont’d)
confusionations 