The Last 5 Years. My Confessional. (cont’d part 2)

Our relationship was going well. With the exception of a few people who tried to get in between us. Since this was all new to me, I wasn’t sure what I was. Was I gay? Was I bi? In my mind, I was/am still straight. I just happened to fall in love with someone based on who they were, not their “sex parts”. Lol. I didn’t wanna “come out”. I didn’t wanna tell people I was something I wasn’t. I didn’t want them to assume, to put any of their labels on me or my feelings. The very few people I did tell, didn’t understand. I could see on their faces that they wondered what “category” to put me in. That scared me off from telling anyone ever. Nobody understood. So I led everyone to believe that we were just best friends & roommates. It didn’t matter who it was, I’d ALWAYS deny a relationship with her. I was protecting myself & our relationship. I didn’t want anyone’s feelings about “us” to influence MY feelings about us. I know it had to be hard for Shevon. Especially since she’s been “out” since she began dating. I admire her fearlessness. But at the same time, I was in my early 30’s, & had only been involved with men until then. I would never want someone reducing Shevon or my relationship with her to a mere “faze”. I’m sure it was frustrating & confusing to her. Even tho we had an agreement, I know it made her sad, as tho I was denying HER. But that’s so far from the truth. I can see how she’d come to that conclusion tho. She was amazing. She allowed me to be me. If I wasn’t ready, she’d try her best to deal with it, even tho I never verbalized my reasoning. I blamed it on my kids knowing. That is a huge part of it for me, but not the ONLY one, as I may have led her to believe. Me “coming out” was not too big a deal, after all was NOT said, we were together & happy. We both knew what we had. Did the world need to too? In the grand scheme of things, no. Our relationship was OURS. It was protected & safe. That’s WHY we were as good as we were. Our relationship was AMAZING for YEARS. I have never in my life felt anything like it. We had our own world & NOBODY could fuck up our bond. During  this time we went thru a bunch of things, none which even weakened “us” in the least. Fights with family, friends, strangers, didn’t matter, we had each other’s backs. There was never a time we weren’t together & I loved it that way. Who woulda thought a commitment-phobe like myself would find comfort in this alternate universe of ours? We’d be sitting in the same room playing on our computers together, watching tv, going out, shopping, etc, etc. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do with or for her. 

 

There was a bar we would frequent in Waterbury (CT) on Thursday nights. They had karaoke with one our favorite hosts & a real friend, Bounce. A frenemy of mine also worked there as the bartender, we’ll call her Sharon. This girl had some kinda stupid issue with me. Any thing I did, she did too, anyone I talked to, she’d interrupt & have to talk too… Always doing ANYTHING she could to be like me & she needed CONSTANT attention. Drove me fuckin nuts! As far as she knew, Shevon & I were just friends & roommates. And even tho she wasn’t gay, bi or even interested in Shevon, she would constantly flirt with & “tease” Shevon (did I mention that Sharon desperately needed attention???) Shevon & I would always fight over this bitch & Shevon’s boundaries. But on this particular Thursday night, I got especially pissed the hell off by the behavior. We argued in the car on the way home, continued arguing in the house & I’m normally not violent, but Shevon did something to push me passed the edge. OH YEAH! She took all my money from my bag! Well I grabbed her by the back of her head & started running, with intentions of smashing her face into the closet door & breaking her nose. Instead of that happening, she was yelling & broke her TOOTH! I felt horrible! She went to the hospital. There was nothing they could do for it except try to ease her pain.

 

The following week, on Friday, we went out for karaoke, like we usually did. But it was a new place. Our friend Bounce was the host, as most of our karaoke nights. A person I don’t like & who is skankily flirtatious with Shevon, yes, Sharon came. I didn’t wanna hang out with her & it always seemed like Shevon put people ahead of me. She doesn’t know how to act when she gets attention. Anyway, alcohol kicked in & we both went off the deep end. I really don’t know what got into us. One minute we’re in the bathroom having sex, the next I’m flippin out, then she grabs me & throws me down to the floor in the middle of the restaurant part of the bar, in front of EVERYONE. Some guys confront her, she runs off, gets in the car, leaves me there & takes off like a bat outta hell. I’m sitting at a table full of our friends, arranging a ride home & I get a phone call. It’s some foreign guy. I can’t understand him. Then I hear Shevon & the guy says girlfriend, accident, down the street. I tell him don’t call the police til I get there. He says, “too late.” I walked out of the restaurant while I was on the phone with him, without saying goodbye to anyone & started running down the street. I have no idea how I knew which direction to head in, but before I knew it, I was there. And there was Shevon, in our SUV smashed into a tree. I ran up to talk to her, she wasn’t making sense & neither was I. I heard sirens, I tried to get Shevon outta there. After all, she crashed into a tree, she didn’t need a DUI on top of it. She screamed at me that she couldn’t move her leg, much less walk on it. I looked. It was bleeding, but so was her head & mouth. No choice but to wait for the ambulance & police to pull up. They loaded her up in the ambulance while I’m crying the entire time. They allow me to come to the hospital with them. I hear Shevon in the back repeating that she’s cold. Even tho it’s the middle of winter, FREEZING out & she had been out there for a long time, I take this to mean she’s dying. I keep repeating that she’s dying as I’m sobbing. Seems ridiculous now, but in my drunken stupor, it was entirely plausible! The EMT’s think I’m crazy & keep assuring me that she’s not dying, to which I respond “She’s dying” with tears and snot & a frozen mixture all over my face. I’m sure I was a SIGHT! We get to the hospital, they drug her up, finally she’s warm & feeling  no pain. She wants me to call her mother & her sister & wants them to come there. Things hadn’t been good between those 3 or myself & those two for quite a while. I was dreading calling them, more dreading them being there, but I would do anything she asked, even after she told me it was my fault that this happened. They showed up. I won’t get into a lot that happened because now it is irrelevant. They started cutting Shevon’s clothes off. We both shouted “Don’t cut the jeans!” Lol. They were her favorites. Shevon didn’t have many jeans she even liked! So hysterical that we both said that. Once they removed her shoes & jeans, I saw it. Them? Her bones were completely out thru a hole in her ankle! It was awful! & GROSS! The doctor said he was gonna give her Propofol & pop her bones to a healing position before the surgeon got there. This was right after Michael Jackson’s death & I assured her that they wouldn’t “Michael Jackson” her. We left the room & all we heard was crying & blood curdling screams. When we were allowed back in, she was fine, didn’t remember any of that & her leg was straight in a sort of splint. She was going for surgery that was scheduled to last a couple hours. At least 3 hours had gone by & no word yet. Not only was I worried about Shevon, but I was sick of hanging around her un-fazed family & I was beyond hungover & hadn’t slept! In short I was miserable. OH! & I had to get my old car ready before I could  pick her up or even get back & forth! So I was trying to make sure she was ok before I left to do that…  Her mother checked with someone to see why it was taking so long. They said she went in late cuz the doctor was late & would be out in a couple hours. Her parents & sister said they were gonna go get something to eat, but would be back by the time she woke up, just in case the car took me longer than anticipated. Which of course it did. I had to change the tire, buy & install a new battery, after jumpstarting it & the 1st car that tried to jump it (lol) & locking myself outta the house & shoving Bounce thru the window to unlock the friggin door!!! In between I went back to the hospital because Shevon called me & was upset that NO ONE was there! I couldn’t believe it! Where the hell were they? Why couldn’t they call me & tell me they wouldn’t be there??? Poor Shevon. I never felt that they did right by her. I honestly always felt like I was the only person in her life that she could truly count on. It was a lot of pressure, but I loved her & would do anything in my power to make sure she KNEW, without a doubt, that she was worthy of that love. She had to spend the night in the hospital, I thought I’d finally get some sleep. After all, I hadn’t slept yet, had been FREEZING for 2 days & definitely needed the rest, because I needed to take care of Shevon. I couldn’t sleep without her. I could barely even get comfortable. I couldn’t stop crying. Missing my love, wondering why this all had to happen, wondering what life would be like after this. I just needed to get near her. I shoulda slept, or whatever, STAYED at the hospital with her. I woke up early in the morning to the phone ringing. She needed me there too! I told her I’d be there as soon as I took a shower. Before I could even get in the shower, she called again telling me that as soon as I got there, she could leave & could I come now & bring a pack of cigarettes? Lol, gotta love that girl! So i threw on HER clothes & went running. I got to the hospital & her mother wanted to “talk to me”. She wanted to make “nice” between us, not because she loved Shevon & wanted her to be happy, but because she knew that she wouldn’t be able to come in my house if I didn’t want her there, & obviously Shevon couldn’t go to HER. I accepted the olive branch & buried my feelings about them, for Shevon.

 

The next few weeks were definitely NOT fun, for either of us. Poor Shevon was helpless. She couldn’t do ANYTHING for herself. She couldn’t walk, barely knew how to crutch (& when she did, she made me SO nervous), she was in a ton of pain, couldn’t shower, couldn’t even wipe her own ass! It was torture for both of us. I tried my hardest to take care of her & keep us smiling, but we both had emotions we didn’t know what to do with. We were trapped in a bed together, EVERY time I fell asleep, she needed me to take her to the bathroom! This girl peed more than a newborn baby! What had they done with her bladder control in that operating room?! I tried making a big Sunday dinner for us, roast beef & all the fixings. I slaved all day, she took 2 bites & was DONE! It was her meds, she couldn’t eat much, but I felt like there was NOTHING I could do to make her happy. I was frustrated with her too. She couldn’t get to the bathroom & would just roll over & puke all over the carpet! Finally, against her wishes i gave her a bucket to puke in cuz cleaning that up, made ME vomit! Then there was the cleaning of the wound, the HOLE in her ankle. Yuck! But I did it. Like a BOSS. (lol) 

 

 

The Last 5 Years. My Confessional. (cont’d)

She did try to play me out. With her so-called “girlfriend”. Her & this girl would break up & get back “together” daily. Tho, that chick was never really with Shevon. She was just one of those hoes that needed attention. & Shevon gave it. With the exception of me & very few others, these are the girls Shevon seems to be attracted to. How could I ever understand these two? Shevon’s 10 years younger than me & that little slut’s even younger than that! Even still, I tried. Shevon tried to play me against this little skank, got us arguin. Over what? I wasn’t even hooking up with Shevon! But the disrespect of me & our friendship, got me beyond heated. Shevon couldn’t HAVE that girl. What was she doin? Fuckin up our friendship & proving her disloyalty, for some little stunt? I didn’t get it. Our friendship continued & we began hookin up just about every night. Then I finally decided to “put the moves on her” haha! I decided that in my drunk state I would sleep with her. The next morning when we woke up, me hungover as all hell, & Shevon rushing to work, poor thing, I was catchin flashbacks, but couldn’t remember the night before. Did we do it? Was it any good? This was new for me. Did I do anything stupid? Did I even KNOW what I was doing? Oh my God. Just then the phone rings. It’s Shevon. She’s at work & needs to get out cuz she feels like shit. Just then, I feel it. What the hell IS that? Something sticky & crusty & gross is all up in my buttcrack!!! I tell Shevon. She says that *I* lost my gum in the bed the night before. Oh what the hell!!! After getting Shevon outta work VERY early, & she says she’s coming back, I get up & see fuzzy gum ALL over the sheets & ME!!!!! (turned out it was HER gum!!!! I didn’t find out til YEARS later!) Shevon comes back, gets into bed & we spend the day on either side of the bed, watching tv & falling in & out of sleep. All the while, I’m on my side of the bed having flashbacks & saying “oh my God” to myself, but out loud. I say it so many times that Shevon finally says to me, “Yes Cathey, we had sex last night.” There it was. Confirmed. Oh. My. God.

After that night, sex wasn’t a problem. We’d start making out in the bar & do whatever afterward. It was all new to me & I felt inferior, but enjoyed it. The sex wasn’t anything spectacular, in fact, I remember telling a friend that had lesbi-onic experience, that I didn’t really even like it. But just kissing Shevon, could make me have an orgasm. Everytime she kissed me or brushed against me, my nipples would get hard. No joke. I can’t explain it. But it was HOT! At the time, I considered her my fuck friend. We have sex, but the thing of main importance to me, was how close we were. I foolishly thought that I could sleep with her, until I decided not to anymore & everything would stay fine. Well that’s when she told me that I don’t fuck with Bill anymore (not that I had slept with him anyway. But she meant it was OVER between him & I) & that I’m HER GIRLFRIEND. I know, sounds bizarre, right? I thought so too. But knowing her like I did, made it pretty cute at the same time. During this time we lived with her parents. Tho I didn’t like it, neither of us really had a choice. I would do sweet little things for her just to see her smile. I wanted to show her what a REAL relationship was. What it meant when somebody else thought of her all the time, & planned their lives together. What it meant to truly be loved & respected. She deserved all that & more. I gave her all of me. Even if it was scary or wasn’t safe. I was completely open & vulnerable for the 1st time ever. She knew everything & loved me anyway. Then came the fight between her & her mother. We were out on our asses after 10pm, with no money & NOWHERE to go.  We borrowed some money, got a hotel room for the next few days & then had to figure it out all over again. We ended up moving into the EconoLodge. Between our checks & her father’s help, we were makin it! She got laid off & both of us were collecting unemployment. We spent all day, everyday together. It was fantastic. I loved being with her. She was MORE than just my best friend. I was still going thru a lot health-wise & the stress that we had to deal with didn’t help too much. I ended up getting VERY sick for almost a full year. Shevon ALWAYS took care of me. There was a lot put on her, because I truly couldn’t take care of myself. I will  forever be grateful to her for that. I know it wasn’t easy & she HAD to resent it. We decided that we were spending FAR too much money living in a hotel to save anything & that if we didn’t do something soon we’d never get an apartment. We moved from the EconoLodge to Katie’s house, where it was filthy, drug-filled, & cockroach infested, for a small amount of money, for about a month so we could save a lot for our apartment. We stayed there, grossed out, on couches & got our own place IMMEDIATELY. Once we moved, we were soooo happy again! We spent tons of time together & enjoyed every second of it! We barely ever fought, in fact, I can’t remember a time where we fought a lot. We were closer than anyone I’ve ever known. I have never seen a relationship as good as ours. My friends even try to compare their relationships to ours, but they’ll even admit that they can’t come close. At least that’s when she used to love & respect me. We were never the type to break up & make up all the time, we were perfect. Someday, with some experience she’ll see it too. (have to continue this AGAIN! who’da thought that we had SOOO much! to be cont’d)

 

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