The Last 5 Years. My Confessional.

It started innocently enough. I was going out A LOT. I basically LIVED at Johnny B’s Bar & Grill. I had made friends with just about everyone there & my best friend at the time was a manager & daytime bartender. I would go there everyday to hang out with her & talk about everything that was going on. 9 times outta 10, you’d catch me there with my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee & conversation. Every Wednesday, I would have some drinks & do karaoke. Wednesday wasn’t the same old crowd. It was younger, more fun & I could really be myself. I loved singing, & I loved cheering on my peeps. Times at home were long, hard, boring and isolated. It was the beginning of the downfall of me & Bill. It hurt like hell. I hadn’t worked in a WHILE & was having a hard time supporting myself. I was stuck in the house for LONG periods, ALONE, missing him & isolated. So, I started spending all of my time hanging out. I couldn’t bear to be home thinking all the damn time! I became the “hot” girl at the bar. Which, at Johnny B’s, is like being the cool kid on the short bus. Really doesn’t take much effort to be hot, there. But that’s another thing I liked about it, I could show up in yoga pants & a wife beater & still feel great about myself. Anyway, as I was saying about karaoke… On this Wednesday, a girl I knew (wouldn’t call her a FRIEND, but we talked once in a while. Actually, she was pretty corny) was there, with a few of her friends & was chillin with some of my friends. We talked a bit, sang, drank, etc. Next karaoke Weds., same thing. I started to get to know her friends better & actually liked them. I still couldn’t understand why they hung out with corny Katie, or Cockeyed Kate as someone once said they called her! Hahahaaaa! Since then, I started hanging out with her friends whenever they were around. One of them seemed pretty shy. I could tell she was a lesbian. She didn’t hide it too well, not that I think she’d ever try. But she also wasn’t the “up in your face, GAYPOWER, type of lesbian” either. Every Weds. she would sing. She sounded great doing all these songs I never heard anyone else singing. I wondered why, cuz they were pretty popular songs, but her choices were just unique & perfect for her. Everytime she finished I would clap, cheer & scream that I was her groupie. She was so shy and awkward seeming, that I felt like taking her under my wing, so to speak. It was so much fun! And I even looked forward to seeing them on Wednesday nights every week. I had learned her name thru the karaoke dj who printed the singers’ names on the screen. Shevon. One week, there was a substitute dj, who didn’t know us. He printed her name as “SheBon”. I started singing her name to her as the Ricky Martin song “She bang, she bang”. It was funny. I liked to make her blush, cuz she was so shy. We became friends. She opened up to me about her girlfriend & some issues they were having. But Shevon was 10 years younger than me & a lesbian, who had the most dysfunctional relationships of anyone I’d ever known. I wasn’t sure if this was how all lesbian relationships were or if it was the fucked up people she was choosing. Or was it Shevon that was, in fact, fucked up? Surely, it couldn’t be. She seemed so sweet. So good to these messed up broads. Maybe, it was me that was bamboozled? How? I was usually so good at reading people, seeing thru them, whether I wanted to or not. Whatever. We continued being close friends & I continued giving her good advice, that way, when shit got fucked up, she could look herself in the eye & know that she could respect herself & the way that she treated these hoes. Sometimes she didn’t listen, like when she was drunk & had a “girlfriend” but insisted on making out with & then taking home & sleeping with some bar ho. Her sex-capades aside, we got closer. We were hangin out all the time. I was still trying to put my situation with Bill into perspective. I also was forced to leave my apartment, lost most of my belongings and had NOTHING in savings to get a new place or do anything to help myself. For the most part I stayed in a hotel room. Some nights I would sleep at “work”. I started taking care of Jen’s grandmother after her daughter (Jen’s mom) died. I was making plenty of money to get a new apartment, but didn’t. I’m actually kinda lucky I didn’t cuz shortly after, I was let go with NO notice. Jen’s grandmother had decided to move into an assisted living home. While I was working for Jen’s grandmother, I had a lot of down time to talk to Shevon. One day, she confessed that she liked  me & wanted to be with me. I told her that I was straight & VERY into guys. She said she wanted to continue being friends, didn’t want anything to change & hoped she didn’t make it “weird”. I told her she didn’t & we’d still be cool. We made out that night. The next day, we agreed to forget about it & continue to be friends. Shevon spent almost every night at the hotel with me. If she didn’t sleep over, she’d stay til really late, go home, go to work at 6am & be back at the hotel as soon as she got out. We were always together. We’d eat, drink, sing, EVERYthing together. She started singing “Linger” by the Cranberries every night when I was drunk, so I’d make out with her. We got into fights. She cried. She just wanted to be with me so bad. I could see it in her eyes. Her vulnerability, was so real, so obvious, so loving. She loved me. Everything she said & did showed it. I’m sure I loved her already too. How could this happen? I was straight. I loved men. I REALLY loved SEX with MEN. (to be cont’d)………

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Some History. Or is it?

I’m going to TRY to fill you in as much as possible, the short version.

I figure I will begin with John. My 1st serious boyfriend. I will not go into much detail until we get to the present, but just a brief history. So, John, 1st boyfriend. Lost my virginity to him, after a YEAR of “dating”. I was 15, he 17. Our relationship began when I was around 13/14. He was my best friend. I have a habit of being BEST friends when I’m in a relationship. This is probably where that idea began. It’s also the reason that break-ups are so absolutely devastating for me. We were together about 4-5 years before we broke up for good. He was also the 1st person to ask me to marry him and gave me my 1st engagement ring. Yes, I said 1st. Since then I’ve been proposed to or engaged 3 or 4 times & married & divorced once. (Ugh. I can already see that this blog is going to bring more questions than answers!) Back to John. Once we broke up for good, we remained friends. REAL friends. And still, 19 years later, I consider him one of my best friends in the world. We don’t see each other too much anymore, but that is because his wife absolutely hates me. See she started dating him, and was his 1st girlfriend after me. Since then, even without having met me, she was & still is jealous of how John & I ‘get’ each other and will probably remain close, lifelong friends.

Next, was Scott. This was the most important and valuable relationship of my life. Most people are lucky to have EVER found this. Not only did I find it, I have the MOST important souvenir. Our son. Scott was/is my soul mate. Never have I found anyone who loves and respects me as much as he did. Or anyone as worthy as him of MY love and respect. We were quite young, but nonetheless, he was my everything. He died at the age of 22. Part of me did too. I have no doubt that if he were still  here, our relationship, whatever it morphed into, would be EPIC.

I had shorter relationships during the in-between times, but why go thru that “list”? All of them ended. None too bad. And I am still friends with EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. I wouldn’t have it any other way & hope that in some way they cherish me similarly.

Cut to Joe. Hands down the worst relationship ever. I grew up across the street from him & his family & at some point during those years developed a huge crush on him. At one point, we dated during a “break” between me & Scott, but it wasn’t anything too serious. When Scott died, many things happened, but one in-particular was a relationship between Joe & I. I was clinging to anything I could because I didn’t want another person to “leave” me. Tho, I didn’t realize this until many years later. We got engaged, pregnant & married right away. See? Clinging. We were divorced by 7 years, after being separated more than we were together. We are NOT friends. In fact, we can barely keep it civil. Still. After about 6/7 years. Joe is very bitter and CONSTANTLY trying to punish me. For leaving him. I agree that I didn’t leave in the proper way, but is any of this really gonna change that? The truth is, we shoulda never been married. That is punishment enough. For BOTH of us AND our daughter.

So, while Joe & I were married, I met Bill & began an emotional affair with him. Once I saw how happy I COULD & SHOULD be, I left Joe immediately. Not to BE with Bill, but because that meant that there was more out there for me, I felt. What ended up happening was me being with Bill. For about 4-5 years. When I say *I* was with Bill, that’s true, but Bill was not with *ME*. As much as this bothers me to admit, I was just a jump-off for him. The “side piece”. We both claimed each other as soul-mates, & even tho I thought that, I’ve since realized what it really was for him. It took a long time. Not only for me to be able to admit it to myself & stop believing what I wanted to believe & what he said, but to be able to be just his FRIEND. It helps that in the time we’ve been apart, he’s changed A LOT. I suppose I have too. Just not as MUCH as him. Tho, his change is probably for the better, in HIS life. That brings us to the last almost 5 years & today…

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