Tag Archives: Lesbian
THE END. (never to be cont’d)
Well, I am very sorry to say, my loves, that I must end this blog now. She was never worthy of blogging about to begin with. I am so sorry to say we all wasted our time on her. Not only is she not worthy of my time, effort, energy, love & heart, she is most definitely NOT worthy of being inside my head. I will be starting a new blog about my new life, & hope you all will still follow, excluding that bitch of course. If you would like to follow my new blog, please contact me via this blog, text, or email (kathey98@aol.com) & I will personally send you the new link. Trust me, my new life is better than this old ass shit. Sorry for any inconvenience folks. Hope to see ya on the flip side. 😉 Love n stuff, Cathey. Thank God this bullshit’s over!
The Last 5 Years. My Confessional. (cont’d part 3)
Things got a little easier as time went on. As Shevon healed. As she started little by little being able to get around and do things for herself. As she started to feel better about herself. It didn’t take too long for us to get makeshift systems in place for her. Like showering, we put our HUGE lobster pot in the tub with towels for her to sit on to shower & keep her leg out. She started being able to make it to the bathroom herself & every time she left she would “ROOOAARRRR” at our “son” Puffin and literally scare the shit out of him. Our cockatiel that she bought for me when we first got our apartment. She was SO friggin adorable & proud of herself! She just thought she was hysterical! & she kinda was! :-p Then she would make trips to the living room for a change of scenery, to watch tv, or keep me company while I cooked. She began going out for doctors appointments. She was crutching pretty good, even in the snow & ice & without scaring the shit outta me. I no longer had to go everywhere by myself. We started going out together again. We had our outings completely planned out. Similar to taking my clients out when I worked at group homes, only less “rules”. I would pull up to the front of wherever we were going, went in, got her a wheelchair, got her into the wheelchair, left her in front, parked the car, & went & pushed her in. I absolutely LOVED shopping with her in a wheelchair! 😀 I had both of our checks, would park her facing away from me, grab everything I wanted or wanted for her & show her AFTER it was purchased! It was too easy! 😉 She didn’t mind either. She’d tell everyone about me doing that & she’d laugh her ass off. I missed a lot of events because I couldn’t be away for too long. I’d start getting calls & texts saying that she had to go to the bathroom. Part of it was me being protective & scared. I didn’t want her trying to get around the house while no one was there or god forbid something happening when she was home alone. & of course nobody ever offered to help, even when I asked. I woulda just loved it if someone would come & sit with her so I could get my hair did. No such luck. But we got thru it! Without anyone else. JUST US. It was a LONG 6 months before she was anywhere NEAR healed. But we were closer than ever. We’d seen each other at our worst & not only survived it, but were better together than ANYONE I’d known. EVER.
The actual surgical scar.
Things I used to do to her when she couldn’t get away!
I made her “The Weatherman”!!!!!!!
Shevon out drinking on her crutches. Fun! Fun! (Isn’t she cute?!)
Me out with Shevon on her crutches!
AAAWWWWWWW!!!! Hehehe!
During this time, we kinda got our priorities screwed up. Our landlord was a douche that was letting the house crumble around us. The kitchen floor was LITERALLY falling in. But, instead of going about it the right way, we just stopped paying the rent. I was the one who took care of the bills, rent, money altogether. It got to be too much for me, taking care of Shevon & all of these other responsibilities. I didn’t have the energy to handle things with the douche-lord. We got “evicted”. We packed up & moved. Months before, our friend Jen had asked us to move in & so we did. It was ok. It was REALLY hot on the 2nd floor, above a bar/restaurant. It smelled of ALL the animals in it & their waste. But “our” room was ok. & it wasn’t even so bad for a while living with Jen & her boyfriend, Rick. The animals were a different story. It was kinda gross. She had two dogs, a German Shepard & a Chiuaua, two cats, one of which was pregnant; none of these animals were fixed. Yuck. & all in a 3 bedroom apartment. Too much. Shevon & I stayed really close during this time. We really only had each other. & we spent all of our time in our room, on the computer, watching tv, & watching series on Netflix. It was really cool. I felt so close to her. We had all “OUR” things that we did together. She loved to do all the same things as me. It was AMAZING. I had found my perfect match, my “other half”. And it was all real & true. People envied our relationship & how supremely close we were. Even the people that didn’t know we were an actual couple. Jen & Rick sure as hell did. They would each compare themselves to us & complain about the other. That was the difference about us, we didn’t talk to OTHER people about US. We talked to EACH OTHER. We didn’t compare ourselves to other couples, because we didn’t feel their relationships were as enlightened as ours. There wasn’t much interference. We had everything we needed between the 2 of US. Everything else was extra. A bonus. There’s no way I can EVER explain how much I loved & needed her. She was my EVERYTHING. And I mean that with EVERY part of me. I would die defending her & she made me feel safe and loved. It’s kinda strange, she’s the ONLY person I’ve ever been able to live with in harmony. She accepted me for me & I took care of us. She even accepted (& catered) to the fact that simple things made me at ease, like having the volume on an even number at ALL times & she even got used to sleeping with the tv on in these years. She was absolutely, without a doubt, my best friend EVER. And she meant for LIFE. She always talked about us getting married & having a baby. Even tho, I told her I would never get married again, I couldn’t & didn’t want to imagine my life without her. Ever.
Me & the kitten I claimed for myself 🙂 Fuzzhead Ballsack!
The summer ended. We’d had a blast. We’d go swimming, drinking, singing, everything & a lot of it with Jen. We’d even go drinking & singing then drive to Naugatuck to go swimming in Jen’s friend Teen’s pool. Skinny dipping! Hahaha! That was hysterical! Somehow I slipped & fell flat on my back with my crotch in the air smiling at the world & when Jen tried to help me up, she slipped & fell too! Good times.
And so began winter. It was a nasty one too. I won’t get into all the specifics, but there was an argument about a heater & salt in the sugar & some other ridiculous bullshit. There was a BB gun, a call to the police & Shevon punching herself in the face. Rick, Jen & Shevon got arrested. Thank God she’d already called her father. Her mother went to bail her out while her dad went & rented a UHAUL truck. Her mom & I went to look at the apartment we had planned to look at that day anyway, & rented it on the spot. Her mother co-signed the lease in case we weren’t able to afford it. Shevon was the only one collecting anymore. We moved our stuff in & began living there immediately. We were lucky to be able to. It wasn’t much of a place, just a small studio. But it was just the 3 of us. Shevon, Puffin & me. I swear two people never had so much fun as we did, poor & in the middle of the ghetto.
Puffin McTuffin…
We got hit with a huge snowstorm just about DAILY, this year. We played in the snow, walked in the snow, cursed at the snow & hated the snow! But it was still the best winter ever! We didn’t NEED to go out. We stayed in the house with our gas “fire” and had fun together. We didn’t mind being snowed in. Day after day. Most people would go stir crazy, but it was so easy with her. We would find songs that we wanted to sing & put on performances for each other. I loved critiquing her “Adele” haha! 🙂 She found a small, freezing kitty outside our door. I don’t like cats. But when she put it outside I couldn’t stand the thought of that little thing freezing out there. So we had a kitty, named Puppy. Cuz I really wanted a puppy soooo…
Puppy taking her 1st shit! lmao
Our Puppy 😉
This whole winter we couldn’t afford to pay our old cable bill, but couldn’t be stuck in the house with nothing to do but look at each other! We found a “hatch” that went underground (it was like “Lost” only REALLY A LOT scarier, darker & without all that cool shit! lol) where all the cable & telephones wires were connected. There was some funky ass shit goin on down there! After about a million trips down there, we finally followed our wire with Shevon’s cane & hooked up our cable. We had to keep re-doing it, but at 3am, we’d be out there, flashlight, cane & select tools. Until one day, when the cable all went digital & we were cut off for good 😦 Doesn’t really matter, we were about to move, AGAIN.
Finally, it started getting warm & thru everything, we were still together & I didn’t want a life without her. She WAS my LIFE. But the next hurdle was just around the corner. Her mother reneged on her agreement to cover the rent if we couldn’t. & we couldn’t. Shevon’s unemployment had run out too & we had absolutely NO income. We’d be homeless soon. My grandparents moved our stuff out & we packed the car. For that night we’d stay in a hotel, then we didn’t know what.
So, what was next for us? We had no idea. It was May, so warm enough, but still pretty damn cold at night. (Oh. I forgot a bunch of shit in the last year, the psycho truck driver following us around trying to kill us, Shavi; or however ya spell his name; walking around downtown, me breakin my ass, & alota other shit, but it’s sooo much to type!) While we were at the hotel, we tried to live it up, but it just wasn’t enough time. We went swimming, tried to watch tv & get a good nights sleep. Because the next day, we’d be living in the car. This is also when our relationship started to weaken. When we needed each other most. When we NEEDED to be strong. Our situation sucked. I hated putting her thru that. I hated not being able to help us, to “save” us when we were SOOOO desperate, like I always had before. I think she was waiting for me to too. But I couldn’t. I had no way to help us. I started pushing her away. She didn’t have to live like this. I didn’t wanna be the reason. I wanted her to be happy. Or at least not homeless. I told her to go home to her parents. I didn’t want this for her. Part of me wanted her to be stronger & stay, but I KNEW I needed to do what was best for her. She was gone no more than 15 minutes before I realized I was losing my mind. What was I thinking sending her home? I needed her. They wouldn’t love her like I did. Sure she’d have a place to lay her head, but was that what was important? I didn’t know anything anymore. I lost me somewhere. How could I be so dependent on one person? This wasn’t me at all. I needed her dammit! I begged her to come back. I dunno if it was right, but it was definitely WRONG without her. She agreed to come back the next day. I picked her up in our “home”. The night before was the longest, coldest, darkest night of my life. Shevon is not good when things get rough, at the time this was a NEW thing. But you’ll see as the story goes on, that she freaks the fuck out & leaves me ALONE when things get tough. This is just the 1st example… (to be cont’d)
The Last 5 Years. My Confessional.
It started innocently enough. I was going out A LOT. I basically LIVED at Johnny B’s Bar & Grill. I had made friends with just about everyone there & my best friend at the time was a manager & daytime bartender. I would go there everyday to hang out with her & talk about everything that was going on. 9 times outta 10, you’d catch me there with my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee & conversation. Every Wednesday, I would have some drinks & do karaoke. Wednesday wasn’t the same old crowd. It was younger, more fun & I could really be myself. I loved singing, & I loved cheering on my peeps. Times at home were long, hard, boring and isolated. It was the beginning of the downfall of me & Bill. It hurt like hell. I hadn’t worked in a WHILE & was having a hard time supporting myself. I was stuck in the house for LONG periods, ALONE, missing him & isolated. So, I started spending all of my time hanging out. I couldn’t bear to be home thinking all the damn time! I became the “hot” girl at the bar. Which, at Johnny B’s, is like being the cool kid on the short bus. Really doesn’t take much effort to be hot, there. But that’s another thing I liked about it, I could show up in yoga pants & a wife beater & still feel great about myself. Anyway, as I was saying about karaoke… On this Wednesday, a girl I knew (wouldn’t call her a FRIEND, but we talked once in a while. Actually, she was pretty corny) was there, with a few of her friends & was chillin with some of my friends. We talked a bit, sang, drank, etc. Next karaoke Weds., same thing. I started to get to know her friends better & actually liked them. I still couldn’t understand why they hung out with corny Katie, or Cockeyed Kate as someone once said they called her! Hahahaaaa! Since then, I started hanging out with her friends whenever they were around. One of them seemed pretty shy. I could tell she was a lesbian. She didn’t hide it too well, not that I think she’d ever try. But she also wasn’t the “up in your face, GAYPOWER, type of lesbian” either. Every Weds. she would sing. She sounded great doing all these songs I never heard anyone else singing. I wondered why, cuz they were pretty popular songs, but her choices were just unique & perfect for her. Everytime she finished I would clap, cheer & scream that I was her groupie. She was so shy and awkward seeming, that I felt like taking her under my wing, so to speak. It was so much fun! And I even looked forward to seeing them on Wednesday nights every week. I had learned her name thru the karaoke dj who printed the singers’ names on the screen. Shevon. One week, there was a substitute dj, who didn’t know us. He printed her name as “SheBon”. I started singing her name to her as the Ricky Martin song “She bang, she bang”. It was funny. I liked to make her blush, cuz she was so shy. We became friends. She opened up to me about her girlfriend & some issues they were having. But Shevon was 10 years younger than me & a lesbian, who had the most dysfunctional relationships of anyone I’d ever known. I wasn’t sure if this was how all lesbian relationships were or if it was the fucked up people she was choosing. Or was it Shevon that was, in fact, fucked up? Surely, it couldn’t be. She seemed so sweet. So good to these messed up broads. Maybe, it was me that was bamboozled? How? I was usually so good at reading people, seeing thru them, whether I wanted to or not. Whatever. We continued being close friends & I continued giving her good advice, that way, when shit got fucked up, she could look herself in the eye & know that she could respect herself & the way that she treated these hoes. Sometimes she didn’t listen, like when she was drunk & had a “girlfriend” but insisted on making out with & then taking home & sleeping with some bar ho. Her sex-capades aside, we got closer. We were hangin out all the time. I was still trying to put my situation with Bill into perspective. I also was forced to leave my apartment, lost most of my belongings and had NOTHING in savings to get a new place or do anything to help myself. For the most part I stayed in a hotel room. Some nights I would sleep at “work”. I started taking care of Jen’s grandmother after her daughter (Jen’s mom) died. I was making plenty of money to get a new apartment, but didn’t. I’m actually kinda lucky I didn’t cuz shortly after, I was let go with NO notice. Jen’s grandmother had decided to move into an assisted living home. While I was working for Jen’s grandmother, I had a lot of down time to talk to Shevon. One day, she confessed that she liked me & wanted to be with me. I told her that I was straight & VERY into guys. She said she wanted to continue being friends, didn’t want anything to change & hoped she didn’t make it “weird”. I told her she didn’t & we’d still be cool. We made out that night. The next day, we agreed to forget about it & continue to be friends. Shevon spent almost every night at the hotel with me. If she didn’t sleep over, she’d stay til really late, go home, go to work at 6am & be back at the hotel as soon as she got out. We were always together. We’d eat, drink, sing, EVERYthing together. She started singing “Linger” by the Cranberries every night when I was drunk, so I’d make out with her. We got into fights. She cried. She just wanted to be with me so bad. I could see it in her eyes. Her vulnerability, was so real, so obvious, so loving. She loved me. Everything she said & did showed it. I’m sure I loved her already too. How could this happen? I was straight. I loved men. I REALLY loved SEX with MEN. (to be cont’d)………
confusionations 